The Acronymphomania Pharmacopoetica

Firstly, a big hat tip to Stephany, who originally alerted me to this wonderful parody of a self-help website . Someone has clearly put a lot of effort into maintaining a detailed, intricate catalogue of the many types of juvenile misbehaviour that warrant heavy-duty psychopharmacological intervention, as well as updating it regularly with witty 'posts', supposedly by parents of children who are "oppositional, defiant and resistant to parenting".


The mystery author cleverly satirises those who construct their identities and those of their offspring around the limited (and limiting) notions of saint, martyr, patient, manipulator or victim, by associating each putative poster with a particular 'signature'. The 'signature' lists the diagnoses and medications for every fucking member of the putative poster's family - even the putative pets often get a look-in. Pure genius.

But browsing the website presents a challenge similar to that of reading A Clockwork Orange: just as one is distracted from Alex's awfulness by constantly having to flick to the back of the book for a translation of his quasi-Russian slang, the website is drenched with indecipherable acronyms that ooze through it like a bowl of alphabet soup upended over a naughty two-year-old's head. 'GFG' looks like the notation for a composite mathematical function, which I guess threw my imagination a bit. And to start with I could only infer that DH referred to the man of the house - Deadbeat Husband? Fortunately, however, a glossary is provided.

"Sadly to say my gfg (before being a day student) pooped on the floor in his dorm room, we've found poop under his bed at home and I've caught him smearing his feces in the shower, when I asked him why, he told me he didn't know and then asked if I was mad. And honestly, I don't think he did know why. Thankfully the last episode was over a month ago, I hope it lasts. He also cleaned the shower without me telling him to do so.
I, too, think they just don't think.
_________________________
Joanne anxiety/depression, panic disorder, burner, NVLD, type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, arthritis. Geodon 60mg BID, Ativan .5mg BID, Avandia 8mg, Benicar HCT 40/25mg, Lantus Insulin, Zocor 40mg, Norvasc 5mg, Prandin 2mg, Prilosec 20mg, WelbutrinXL 300mg, Buspar 5mg TID, Ambien 10mg at bedtime.
DH 22 years and still strong, believed to have ADHD as a child, but undxd.
gfg: 14/m 98% bilateral hearing loss (he's deaf), mild cerebal [sic] palsy, insulin dependent diabetes, mild MR, PDD, as of 3-16-07 mood d/o NOS, anxiety NOS
meds: NPH & Humalog Insulin, Geodon 80mg BID, Lithium 300mg AM, 600mg PM, Remeron 30mg nightly, Ativan .5mg 3 daily if needed, Zyprexa 5mg nightly."

I must admit that I found this particular parody 'post' rather cruel and tasteless when I first read it, until I remembered that it wasn't a parody 'post' on a site called 'cerebralpalsy.com' or 'hearingimpaired.com', but conductdisorders.com. And at the risk of steaming a runny joke dry by overanalysis, what does give it its satirical bite is the notion that someone would roll their shit under the bed or smear it around in the shower simply out of sheer thoughtlessness. I mean, when people defecate in inappropriate places, it is usually either a deliberate act of extreme hostility or symptomatic of a complete breakdown in bodily and/or mental functioning. But clearly our mystery author, too, thinks that a lot of people just don't think.

GFG is your Gift from God (your problem child)
PC is (are) your Perfect Child(ren)
DH is your Dear Husband
DW is your Dear Wife

Who says Americans can't do irony? Note that the relative lack of DWs referred to in the forum suggests that the author believes the behaviour s/he is parodying is more common in females.

And here's a non-exhaustive list of acronyms of the diagnoses supposedly being made:

ADD/ADHD: Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder
AS: Asperger's Syndrome
BPD: Borderline Personality Disorder
COBP: Childhood Onset Bipolar Disorder
CD: Conduct Disorder
DAMP: Deficits in Attention, Motor control and Perception
MDD: Major Depressive Disorder
GID: Gender Identity Disorder
IED: Intermittent Explosive Disorder
LD: Learning Disabilities
NVLD: NonVerbal Learning Disorder
OCD: Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
ODD: Oppositional Defiance Disorder
PANDAS: Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorder
PDD: Pervasive Developmental Disorder
PTSD: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
SID: Sensory Integration Disorder
TS: Tourette's Syndrome

I was having so much fun reading this site that I decided to compose a genre 'signature' that my mother might have used, back when I was 'oppositional, defiant and resistant to parenting'. (I still am, actually, it's just that no one can really do anything about it.)

Me: 40, undx'd OCD, histrionic PD. No friends, hobbies or outside interests to speak of.

DH: 43, married 20 years, sits in front of TV, drinks beer and doesn't answer when I speak to him, but remains supportive by disciplining GFG (will throw her across room if necessary).

GFG: f/16 dx panic disorder*, dissociative disorder, MDD, hx of truancy, failure, flouting school rules. Believed to be prodromal for schizophrenia - have bought her earplugs to keep out the voices. Denies that she has a problem. Will not keep room tidy, not interested in watching TV or attending football matches with rest of family. Insists on reading books and engaging in other anti-social activities instead. Meds: Aurorix 300mg, Xanax 2mg, Aropax 40 mg, Largactil 50 mg nocte for insomnia. Frequently discontinues medications without my or Dr God's permission.

PC: f/14 GID in early childhood but seems to have cleared up. Played only with boys back then but now has no interest in them at all. Has several very close female friends who will hopefully introduce her to their older brothers.**

2 cats, 1 male, 1 female, both strays. One female stray (2 y.o.) has particular attachment to GFG and this is reflected in cat's behaviour. Short bowel with lactose intolerance, often makes mess indoors. Cat ingested 0.25mg of GFG's Xanax the other day and a definite improvement in cat's behaviour was noted. Despite neutering, male cat frequently attempts to achieve sexual congress with PC's leg. Both cats orally fixated, particularly with respect to jewellery. DH says female cat will lick any man's ring.

And yes, the site is interactive, so you can create your own profile and 'signature', and post away about your four-year-old son's bipolar temper tantrums and (I kid you not, there is a precedent) your dog's undiagnosed ADHD.

* Where all the research money was at the time.
** Of course, PC eventually came out, and became not such a PC after all.